 OT-Burial (by Ken [NY]) Feb 1, 2023 9:15 PM
 OT-Burial (by MikeA [TX]) Feb 1, 2023 9:40 PM
OT-Burial (by small potatoes [NY]) Feb 1, 2023 10:56 PM
OT-Burial (by BRAD 20,000 [IN]) Feb 1, 2023 11:04 PM
OT-Burial (by Ken [NY]) Feb 1, 2023 11:30 PM
OT-Burial (by RB [TN]) Feb 2, 2023 9:39 AM
OT-Burial (by plenty [MO]) Feb 2, 2023 10:06 AM
OT-Burial (by Allym [NJ]) Feb 2, 2023 10:26 AM
OT-Burial (by myob [GA]) Feb 3, 2023 6:24 AM
OT-Burial (by Sir Walter [NC]) Feb 3, 2023 8:26 AM
OT-Burial (by Sir Walter [NC]) Feb 3, 2023 8:26 AM
OT-Burial (by PG [SC]) Feb 3, 2023 9:41 AM
OT-Burial (by Ken [NY]) Posted on: Feb 1, 2023 9:15 PM
Message:
The 20 year old son of a longtime friend(40 year friendship)died a few days ago.I spoke to my friend today and he is doing pretty good and he made a point of letting me know he can pay for the funeral on his own,his wifes family is poor with a poor mindset and set up a go fund me,that upset me because i take it as an insult that they dont think he can pay it himself if they felt the need to set up a go fund me.Do you guys agree with me or am i just being insensitive? --74.77.xx.xx |
OT-Burial (by MikeA [TX]) Posted on: Feb 1, 2023 9:40 PM
Message:
I wouldn't take it as an insult, I would more see it as the ignorance that goes with a lack of a proper upbringing. Poor people have poor ways, it's a mindset. I'll bet they don't even recognize that asking for a handout is insulting and demeaning in many circles. I'm sure they haven't even considered that he might choose to pay for this funeral out of respect. If the opportunity presents, and in a humble way, I would try and explain to them how others see it. They might listen or they might not but it's always helpful if you can get someone to walk a mile in another man's moccasins, they will grow just a little in doing so. --209.205.xxx.xx |
OT-Burial (by small potatoes [NY]) Posted on: Feb 1, 2023 10:56 PM
Message:
Ken I don't think they were thinking of him at all. It has become the norm to do 'go fund me'. The poor mindset sees this as an income generator. It might have been set up as a way for people to give money, in the way that some say don't send flowers, send money to this charity, only they are the charity. I'm inferring from your post that the father is poor as well. Could it be that he has his pride and didn't want to ask you for money, or turn you down? Maybe down the line you can find a way to bless him and ease his pain. I wouldn't bring anything up w/ the wife's side, their focus should be on the son that just passed and they won't appreciate (or hear) what you have to say. --67.240.xx.xx |
OT-Burial (by BRAD 20,000 [IN]) Posted on: Feb 1, 2023 11:04 PM
Message:
Ken,
GoFundMe is how it's done these days. Normal.
*I* set up a GoFundMe for a friend whose 10 year old son was dying of cancer. This was my teaching partner for Bible Study Fellowship and the son was in our class. TONS of people kept asking "How can we help?". The extra cash was a blessing to take the edge off the travel and meal costs not covered by insurance.
BRAD --73.103.xxx.xxx |
OT-Burial (by Ken [NY]) Posted on: Feb 1, 2023 11:30 PM
Message:
Small potatoes- The father is not poor or a poor mindset,he just got himself stuck with a bad wife,he has done well for himself,owns a home with acreage with barns,construction equipment,livestock etc.I took it that he wanted me to know he didnt need help,seemed that the son had some money of his own already that is going toward it.I guess you guys are right,it is what they do now and to be expected from poor people.I wont say anything,i will go to the wake and be supportive of my friend and his other children and try to avoid the wife,i have had problems with her in the past and she is the reason i dont see him much anymore --74.77.xx.xx |
OT-Burial (by RB [TN]) Posted on: Feb 2, 2023 9:39 AM
Message:
Find new hobbies.
--24.183.xxx.xxx |
OT-Burial (by plenty [MO]) Posted on: Feb 2, 2023 10:06 AM
Message:
I can understand that he may feel that way. Men have pride. People want to "do" something and this is what they do to help. It's ok to take the GoFundMe at this time, for this purpose. In the end it will help, your friend cares alot for you and could it be he wants your support but not in a financial way. Pride. --172.58.xxx.xx |
OT-Burial (by Allym [NJ]) Posted on: Feb 2, 2023 10:26 AM
Message:
He's embarrassed and wanted you to know as a friend that he's OK. Just ignore it. He doesn't want any money from you. Send flowers or a donation to the charity for whatever the son died from. That is what people do when they need help. I guess the wife is trying to chip in also and that's what her family did. I sent fifty bucks to someone yesterday. A woman with bad back surgery posted on a local group that she is being evicted and the county just cut her payment of some sort. I always say in my post how much I gave and can anyone match me. I did that once for a veterinary in Houston during the big flooding. But I posted on Fox Face Book. The veterinary, Emancipet, sent me a note that they got so much money they could treat all the dogs for free. They also kindly opened a branch in Philly. Not really close but they have reasonable neutering. It's a useful tool. --71.188.xx.xxx |
OT-Burial (by myob [GA]) Posted on: Feb 3, 2023 6:24 AM
Message:
AS a friend it's natural to want to help in any way. Pay your respects by respecting your friends wish. Let him take care of his responsibility. Yours is to pay your respects at the wake. IN my opinion.
PS with what you describe I question the need for a go fund me? --108.239.xx.xx |
OT-Burial (by Sir Walter [NC]) Posted on: Feb 3, 2023 8:26 AM
Message:
Ken,
Answering the specific question you asked, you are being insensitive. (I'm not being judgmental of you, just answering the question you asked.)
Because it is extremely easy to create and use, GoFundMe has become a type of social norm that many people use to show that they care. Kind of like Facebook has become a common social norm for people to connect or say Happy Birthday instead of writing a letter. Think of GoFundMe as an extension of people dropping off a casserole, sending flowers or a card (often with a money in it), or attending the services.
Times change. People don't do barn raisers anymore. Churches don't have potlucks like they used to. People do what is commonly done within their generation, times, and social context. In this context, GoFundMe just seems to be another avenue for people to reach out and show that they care, as opposed to the family being a charity case.
As LLs, we are occupationally trained to think of things in financial terms, and not in human terms. Rather than having a poor mindset and being embarrassed, the grieving father is telling you that he doesn't want to deal with any more GoFundMe contributions, the same way that some of the grieving don't want to deal with flowers that they have to later care for or accept another turkey casserole.
Different things are different annoyances for different people under the same circumstances. Lecturing a person for giving to a GoFundMe in this circumstance might have them wondering if you had never attended a funeral or sent a sympathy card with a contribution in it. In other words, each of you might validly wonder if the other had no etiquette or home training. And then RB's advice would be well taken.
It is good that you care for your friend and checked in on him.
--5.182.xxx.xxx |
OT-Burial (by Sir Walter [NC]) Posted on: Feb 3, 2023 8:26 AM
Message:
Ken,
Answering the specific question you asked, you are being insensitive. (I'm not being judgmental of you, just answering the question you asked.)
Because it is extremely easy to create and use, GoFundMe has become a type of social norm that many people use to show that they care. Kind of like Facebook has become a common social norm for people to connect or say Happy Birthday instead of writing a letter. Think of GoFundMe as an extension of people dropping off a casserole, sending flowers or a card (often with a money in it), or attending the services.
Times change. People don't do barn raisers anymore. Churches don't have potlucks like they used to. People do what is commonly done within their generation, times, and social context. In this context, GoFundMe just seems to be another avenue for people to reach out and show that they care, as opposed to the family being a charity case.
As LLs, we are occupationally trained to think of things in financial terms, and not in human terms. Rather than having a poor mindset and being embarrassed, the grieving father is telling you that he doesn't want to deal with any more GoFundMe contributions, the same way that some of the grieving don't want to deal with flowers that they have to later care for or accept another turkey casserole.
Different things are different annoyances for different people under the same circumstances. Lecturing a person for giving to a GoFundMe in this circumstance might have them wondering if you had never attended a funeral or sent a sympathy card with a contribution in it. In other words, each of you might validly wonder if the other had no etiquette or home training. And then RB's advice would be well taken.
It is good that you care for your friend and checked in on him.
--5.182.xxx.xxx |
OT-Burial (by PG [SC]) Posted on: Feb 3, 2023 9:41 AM
Message:
Please consider that the man is grieving. Why did he make a point about paying for the funeral? Give that some SERIOUS thought while looking in the mirror.
Then Go see your friend in a couple of months - make your judgement then.
And forget about the Go Fund thing - it is a sign of the times
--72.173.xx.xx |
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