My father died in 2015. 6 months after his death, his 4th wife had to declare bankruptcy and since then has lived a 'hand to mouth' existence on social security benefits. My Dad's 4th wife died 2 days ago and has a surviving daughter who is also broke and can not even pay for her own Mother's funeral.

The surviving daughter is someone I know well from past family reunions but that was only while my Dad alive. However, after my Dad's death, I did not feel any emotional connection to continue being social with my Dad's 4th set of 'in-laws'. (I have no blood relationship with any of them). The surviving daughter, who has made poor financial choices in life, is now faced with funeral expenses which she does not the money to pay for nor any assets to borrow against.

Just out of respect for my deceased father, I am considering writing a large check to help pay for this funeral. I have 3 brothers who think I am a complete fool for doing this and my doing so will only re-open a can of worms that was first opened when my Dad married her mother in 2001.

Yes. If you can afford to. Your dad loved this woman. He (your dad) would have paid. It's respect.

I would offer to pay for cremenation costs. It's cheap(er).

A former grunt laborer of mine-- I don't think I've used him since 2018-- died of Covid in jail. The family had just lost his niece a month or two earlier. They were chronically low on cash-- lots of very poor life decisions-- but having two funerals so close together was even more taxing for them.

I went to the funeral home and asked how much X owed on his account. They told me how much the family had deposited, and how much was remaining. I gave a check to the funeral home to go towards his expenses-- there was no way I was going to entrust it directly to the family.

All good answers above.

What we did for my sister who died a pauper: a brother who has a great house for hosting our very large tribe hel a get-together. Everyone brought a dish to pass, we ate. Then another brother passed out those little red plastic shot glasses, and a bottle of good whiskey was passed. Before we drank, each of us said something. Then, a couple of the family members read prayers, passages of the bible or poetry. Then we sang a few songs. I know the evening went on longer, but, my family had to get up very early the next day.

Basically no cost, other than food for a get-together. We all brought any pictures that were placed on the piano, just like those photo boards people do for funerals now.

The only thing was our sister's friends weren't invited. And pretty much all of them wouldn't have shown up to a family member's home like they maybe would if it was in a public place. There wasn't an obituary notice in the paper for it either. And, truthfully, most of her friends had moved on, in one way or another. Might not have had more than one or two show up at a funeral home.

Jason,

Has the daughter considered cremation as opposed to a funeral.

When Bill became ill with lung cancer (and we were not married but had been together for almost 20 years) we had briefly discussed cremation versus funerals but, as usual, he left everything up to me. He passed away very quickly after his diagnosis and no family member stepped up to offer suggestions or assistance.

It was a little difficult for me to get "permission" locally to cremate him; the idea being since we were not related by blood or marriage I might have killed the guy and by cremating him, destroying the evidence. In other words I could bury him but not cremate him. The funeral home helped me get over that nonsense.

I had him cremated and have spread his ashes up in the mountains of South Carolina where he camped, kayaked, did hang gliding as a teenager.

Afterwards I went to the funeral home and prepaid for my cremation when I pass away.

I did find that locally if family members are financially unable to pay for a funeral or cremation (or there are no family members to contact) the Coroner's Office will, eventually, bury this person in what is locally called "Potters Field"; no service and no headstone; just a small marker to keep track of who is buried there.

NE, ya stole my thunder, again. (Good answer)

A person could go bald (scratching head)wondering

what a persons (true) motives and intentions are.

I wouldn’t ever consider involving myself in that.

A funeral doesn't have to be expensive (some examples above.) No, I would NOT write a "large check."

My FIL (who COULD afford a funeral) disliked the costs associated with them, and donated his body to science. The only cost to us was $30 to get his ashes returned later - which really, by the time we got them, now what? So they sit in the bookcase in a plastic box. My MIL's ashes had long disappeared - my FIL lost them during a move, or he scattered them and didn't tell us where. It was okay.

BTW, we paid more than that to have our DOG cremated and returned (what a racket! HER box is a lovely carved wooden thing.) Sits in the bookcase just like him.

I'll also write in support of paying only for cremation. It's ridiculous for broke people to pay for a full embalming, dressing, casket, vault, plot, etc. It can be a difference of $12,000 vs $2,000.

@Roy, your heart is in the right place, but I would not do it. You don’t appear to have a relationship with that side of the family.

Cremation would be a better option since cash is an issue.

I’m with N.E., remain Anonymous and write the check to the funeral home.

A cremation last month in my area cost $1100.

WMH,

Our sister was cremated as well. Hadn't thought about donating to science. That's a great idea.

Being a long-time gardener and composter, my kids know where my ashes should go- In the compost heap!

Myself, I wouldn't.

Broke people who can't afford funerals really should not be having funerals.

I mean no disrespect, but I would not offer any financial help.

When your Dad passed away did your in laws offer your step Mother, you or your family financial help?

I know you have the utmost respect for your Father, but this is not your problem nor your responsibility.

I would listen to your brothers advice and leave the can of worms alone.

The in laws are broke for a reason and I feel your contribution would not be appreciated.

And, just to be sure, it is illegal to just spread ashes wherever. So, readers, I'm not advising that. We just jest about that in my house! My husband wants whichever of us to go first to be cremated, then the ashes saved till the other goes, so our ashes can be combined.

I thought that was a good idea, until recently. We downsized from extended queen size bed to a queen. He still was taking the same space as before, until i made a fuss. If we 're combined in a box, he'll take sixty-five percent of the space, cuz he can! Lol! No, instill want our ashes combined.

Im thinking our son would put us on the very bottom of the compost heap, then not turn it for years! And our daughter doesn't turn her heap too often anyway.

NE, Some tomatoes seem to have faces.... whooo..ooo.oo

Back to Roy. A quote for you:

Busy,

I guess it was Frankie Roosevelt who said "No Good Deed goes Unpunished". There is a memorial service on Friday night. I will take the checkbook but will decide at that time what my gut is telling me.

Mick said, "The family held the “reception” in the parking lot of the chapel. Several family member had trucks. They lowered the tail gates and put food/drinks on them."

That is a classic AL redneck funeral. They probably all got drunk or stoned that night too.

I was subbing at the high school one day, and was flipping through their bookshelf during a free period. One of the essays included was Jennifer Mitford's "Behind the Formaldehyde Curtain." Yeah, it was written in 1967-- which is now over 50 years ago-- but it helped me be able to recognize things that I take for granted, but don't necessarily have to be the case. And when people around me pass away, I'm able to pick up on techniques that the funeral home people make use of in their interactions with the decision-makers that I totally wouldn't have noticed if I hadn't read it.

Ken, it was interesting, because they were asking permission and authorization to do x, y, and z, but they were phrasing it in a way that conveyed, "Of course this is going to happen-- right?" And my parents automatically gave authorization for x, y, and z without thinking, "Oh, wait, this is optional" or taking the time to ask, "Well, how much does it cost, and what are the alternatives?"

Random House publishing, Dec 1983, The American Way of Death, by Jessica Mitford. Same book, revisited edition, published in 2011. Available on used booksellers and for Kindle.

Roy, this is a raw subject with me lately and I would say don't pay for it. However, I think some part of you wants to and that's okay too.

The $6000 cremation for your dad was probably everything - cremation, service, limo, flowers, obituary, etc. If I were to do something in a situation like this, I'd pay for the actual cremation and allow her daughter to figure out the 'funeral' portion.

Nicole,

My In-Laws have put a bit of cash in a separate account that hubby is on, to cover their final costs. They looked into what was what, and decided to have their bodies cremated and then told us to do whatever with the cremains.

We've told our kids to cremate out bodies, then use our life insurance to have the cremains interred in a coral reef, then go on a cruise a raise a glass to Mom and Dad. If they would rather, they can arrange with the cruise line to throw the cremains overboard (many of the cruise lines will do this, and provide a certificate, arrangements need to be made in advance.)

Costs of cremation shold be under $1500 including an urn. That does NOT include a funeral, just cremating the actual body.

Roy, it sounds like you really have no connection at all with the deceased, emotional or blood. Go to her service, but I’d suggest not paying for it.

I beleive I would write the chks. Regardless of the outcome the lady cared for your Dad.

Youll be fine.

I see advice has run the gamut. My thought is since you view this as paying tribute to your father, then it really doesn't matter what the broke in-laws or anyone else thinks. You can give as much or as little as you like. All, some, or none.

The only cautions would be:

1) Money goes directly to the funeral provider, not the broke in-laws.

2) Be abundantly clear that this is a "one shot" event and has nothing to do with them. When people smell money, they start actin' funny. "Uncle-in-law thrice removed" Roy is not some endless pile of welfare.

In my area, as with many others, there are public funeral arrangements for the indigent. In the end, all our bodies end up worm food, and has many here have said my personal preference is to donate as much of my body for organ transplants as will be useful, then the remainder to science, and if there's anything left over after that just cremate it and scatter or put in a jar.

Personally, I'm going to be resting in my Lord Jesus Christ and won't care what the earthy folks do or do not do. My hope is in him alone, and I will have left the cares and concerns of this world behind.

I had a broke cousin pass last week. She was only 49. Heart attack. I wrote a $500 check directly to the funeral home as I know they were going to take a beating on this service. I didn't want to my surviving cousin to carry it all on his shoulders either.

Do I typically write put $500 checks as a departing gift. Nope. But it is only money and I know he could use an anonymous shot in the arm.

Write a check for his fourth wife's funeral that her own daughter cannot afford?

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ho ho ho ho ho ha ha ha hee hee hee hee ha ha ha ha!