I am just venting here.

It's official that my mother hates me. HeeHee.

My mother is in the nursing home still and is likely not getting out. I have a half sister that lives in MI. I am taking care of my mothers affairs such as keeping an eye on here house, checking her mail, doing yard maint, handling her bills and banking, ect.....

When my mother Skypes or talks with my sisters family in MI, my mother always talks to my brother-n-law and there kids and usually never my sister as my sister will not communicate. The same thing happens if I call them. I can talk with my brother-n-law just fine as we get along fine but my sister is the one that really needs to be communicating with me.

For quite some time now she has mentioned how she wants my sister to have the house. My mother keeps talking about her house and I have tried to explain it to her before that because she is on Medicaid that the State will have a claim against the house. After a while I decided not to try to explain anymore because she just doesn't get it and it gets her upset so I have decided to just let her talk and not really comment on it to keep her calm. Well, eventually that will not work out because if I tell her that my sister will get the house then I am lying and I don't want my sister coming back on me and saying that I told my mother this or that.

I received a call from the nursing home this afternoon that my brother-n-law has mentioned something to my mother about her moving to the nursing home in MI. Neither the social worker nor I know how that would work out as that would knock her off of Medicaid here and then she would have to reapply there.

I called my mother to figure out what was going on. Apparently my brother-n-law knows someone that owns the nursing home up there. Ultimately, I found out during the conversation that my mother is trying to avoid losing her home because she really wants my sister to have it. So, I tried once again to explain to her that the State already has a claim on the house when she dies. She started to understand a little better this time but started saying how unfair it was. I tried to explain to her that it was not unfair because the State (taxpayers) are currently paying her bill and that it is a way for the State to get reimbursed as much as they can and that is Federal law.

So, then she started talking about her will that she had written while in there (this is about her fifth will). I said, well, I don't know what all is in your will but my sister will need to turn it in to probate. My mother then said that my sister gets everything and that she just wants to make sure that my sister at least gets everything in the house then.

(BTW, it really doesn't matter because she doesn't even have much and no one is getting the house, it is just the principle and knowing what your own mother thinks of you)

I said, well, that is up to you.

This is nothing new as my mother has been using me for years. I just can't help but keep asking myself "Why am I helping her and why do I keep doing it?" My mother and my sisters family have told me how they appreciate what I am doing but my backside is starting to hurt. I guess this just proves how stu p id I am. LOL

Do unto others as you wish they would treat you.

Your loyal and doing the right thing even if it hurts.

Hold your head up.

6x6, I agree with others.

That said, it's not uncommon for these things to happen, unfortunately. It's obvious your mother is under the influence of your sister. So be it.

If it gets too bad for you to handle, you might consider relinquishing the duties of being executor or handling her affairs and petition the court to appoint an executor in your place. Then, at least, you can say you turned it over to professionals approved by the court. You could say you did not want to create problems or bad feelings between anyone so it was better to let the court handle it.

Someone's stepfather had passed away in November. A day or two later, he approached us about buying his mom's house that the stepfather had been living in, up until his death. In her will, the mom had left it, like, 35% to her son, 10% to her nephew in exchange for him acting as executor, and 25% each to her two grandsons, the children of the heir-son.

Oddly enough, during conversations, it came up that he also had a brother and a disabled sister. She had to live in a special care facility nearby, because it wasn't the sort of disability where she could be an independent adult.

Of all the people to ignore from your will---! How odd that you'd totally overlook not just two of your three kids, but one of them is your vulnerable, dependent, disabled daughter.

Ahhh, good point, Ken! I hadn't thought about that.

I've seen this so many times before, the child that takes care of the parent is overlooked for the children that do nothing and live so far away.

6x6 You have a good soul. It's difficult to tell your mom something she doesn't want to hear; I can relate. You are a saint.

Once a family member is admitted to a facility-- adult care, nursng home or hospice care-- any decisions should be left to someone else (preferable family). PERIOD.

Right on, LisaFL.

Sounds like time to find a new hobby

6X6, your mother doesn't have to bribe you to take care of her. You just do it because you are a decent human being.

Your sister ignores your mother, so your mother is trying to bribe her with the inheritance to pay more attention to her. It appears to be working since your sister and BIL want to move her close so they can take care of her and get the house.

I suggest that you smile and let them get on with it. They can do all the paperwork to get the move done and they can manage the move, and take care of your mother. It's most certainly their turn to do so.

You bow out and enjoy the break. You'll probably get your mother back in a year or two, but take the opportunity to recharge your batteries while someone else takes responsibility (that is way overdue) for awhile.

A few thoughts here...

First, you're correct that if mom is on Medicaid, the STate will have a claim on an assets from her estate. Bank accounts and cash assets have to be spent down, but the house remains intact until she passes and it goes into her estate. I think you're doing the smart thing by not trying to inject yourself in between her belief that your sister is going to get it and what is going to actually happen. I would respond simply, "I'll do my best to see sister gets it." Then when she passes, the state will take their cut per the law. You will have done your best, which in this case is nothing since the law has already dictated what will happen. There's no need for you to be the continual voice of reason when reason is being rejected. Just honor her wishes and let it go.

You asked (somewhat rhetorically) "Why am I doing this?" Well.... I can tell you why I would be doing the same thing, and it goes back to my faith as a Christian.

In the 4th Commandment, God says we are to Honor our Father and Mother. Unlike most modern laws, there is no exception that says when Mom or Dad behave badly or cause you great hurt that you are released from the obligation. That doesn't mean you are called to subject yourself to abuse, but what it does mean is we do what we can to continue to honor them. It sounds to me like you are doing just that.

One of the major reasons I got into real estate investing was to provide financial independence for me at an earlier age than standard W-2 employee retirement, so that if/when the time comes for me to care for my parents in their old age I will have a greater capacity to do that good work than if I were tied 8 hours a day/ 40 hours a week to a W-2 job. I wish to honor them as God has commanded me, both to be faithful to his word and because I love them. However, even if some days my heart might not feel loving toward them due to reasons like you have mentioned, I will still be faithful to my calling as God's servant to minister to them.

That's my take, anyway. Well done to you!

Thank you for sharing your situation, and I understand it well.

I heard Dr. Joyce Brothers say that the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. From what you wrote, your mother hates you, and you see yourself as not smart. I do feel that your mother is stuck in an echo chamber of generously loving your sister who seems indifferent enough not to respond. The dynamic seems like the same one between you and your mother; you give and your mother doesn't care. Your sister is repeating your mother's pattern.

It seems like a current cross in your life is overseeing your mother's property and understanding the law. I am glad that you can relay your mother's house status rationally to your brother-in-law. I would document the communication for future reference.

Thank you all for the feedback that I can learn from.

I am just trying to be honest and fill them in on the facts and I have even told my BIL that they need to research it and not take my word for it. I wouldn't want to see those kids moved around just to have to move again. I know what that is like as a kid.

You will never regret doing the right thing. I know that from having taken care of my dad in his final year, despite his evident favoritism for my older sibling. I did get a brief, but heartfelt, thanks shortly before his death.

Hubby and I are struggling with having been the meanies who essentially made his mom move from over an hour away to closer to us, and out of a gigantic house stuffed with possessions. His sibling, who lives several states away, gave us little but criticism, and is currently the "good" son because he wasn't the one who had to force some hard choices. There is already some sibling drama over "stuff", and she's still living. But we will continue to do what we said that we'd do, as she could never handle things alone.

Our reward isn't of this earth - see what Sid said above.

Thank you again.

6x6 You have a good soul. It's difficult to tell your mom something she doesn't want to hear; I can relate. You are a saint.

6x6;

Sorry to hear this. You are indeed a good son. But as you say, your butt is hurting.

Time to focus on what matters. Visit your mom, but absolutely stop trying to explain to her that Medicaid will get the house, yada, yada. Just stop. It doesn’t make you a liar to stop making her upset. Give yourself a bit of a break. If she says tha she wants your half sister to get the house, say, “That’s great, Mom.”

Speaking of your half sister. Let her, and your brother in law know that from this day forward, you are done caring for the house, paying her bills, etc. Be cooperative in changing over the accounts to your sister’s name. Then just stop. Stop. Stop making your butt hurt.

Spend the time you have left with your Mom reminiscing about the good times.

Thank you JR.

The good news is that there really aren't any bills except her nursing home bill that I now have set up as an ACH transaction. So I can just keep watch on her bank account and I will pay her property taxes from her account as long as she has the money to pay it. The only reason she will have the money is because of all of the stimulus checks.

Threaten to send her to a nursing home in NY if she doesn't behave.

All kidding aside, it sounds like her going to MI is your best option. Just take care of the house and let them reapply for medicaid in MI. Since it's his idea, make him agree to pay for any gap. They can look after her from now on and you'll maintain the house.

So, is mom still with it or just physical disabilities? Is there any reason why you can't just appease her and agree with her. Does she really need to know what is going to happen with the house? I guess the point is, if it's not helpful to the situation and it gets everyone riled up then maybe it's okay to agree. I'm actually surprised that Medicaid is not making you sell the house as it would be a source of funding.

Thanks all.

LLOTF, That was funny about NY nursing home. I guess the reason that I am dealing with any of it is because I feel obligated as being her son. IDK. I have already told her to make my sister as executor and she did. No need for me to do it.

ZAKHD, as I understand it, the state will not force the house sold until she dies, however, the county will eventually do a tax sale when her taxes are not paid for a while.

The funny thing is, is that she knows she can trust me to handle her finances and admits that she can not trust my sister. I will handle her finances in terms of her money but I am not putting any of mine into it.