moms house (by 6x6 [TN]) May 6, 2020 5:37 PM|
moms house (by Carolyn [MO]) May 6, 2020 5:47 PM
moms house (by Hammer [TN]) May 6, 2020 5:49 PM
moms house (by Richard [MI]) May 6, 2020 6:30 PM
moms house (by Ken [NY]) May 6, 2020 6:56 PM
moms house (by 6x6 [TN]) May 6, 2020 7:27 PM
moms house (by Richard [MI]) May 6, 2020 7:53 PM
moms house (by Live The Dream [AZ]) May 6, 2020 7:54 PM
moms house (by plenty [MO]) May 6, 2020 8:04 PM
moms house (by Nicole [PA]) May 6, 2020 8:20 PM
moms house (by 6x6 [TN]) May 6, 2020 8:31 PM
moms house (by 6x6 [TN]) May 6, 2020 8:48 PM
moms house (by CDM [CA]) May 6, 2020 8:54 PM
moms house (by AllyM [NJ]) May 6, 2020 9:09 PM
moms house (by JR [ME]) May 6, 2020 9:23 PM
moms house (by LindaJ [NY]) May 6, 2020 9:32 PM
moms house (by Frank [NJ]) May 6, 2020 9:47 PM
moms house (by Live The Dream [AZ]) May 6, 2020 11:01 PM
moms house (by Still Learning [NH]) May 7, 2020 12:00 AM
moms house (by Lucy [IN]) May 7, 2020 12:04 AM
moms house (by elliot [RI]) May 7, 2020 7:47 AM
moms house (by myob [GA]) May 7, 2020 8:05 AM
moms house (by Oregon Woodsmoke [ID]) May 7, 2020 11:02 AM
moms house (by Landlord ofthe Flies [TX]) May 7, 2020 2:54 PM
moms house (by 6x6 [TN]) May 7, 2020 3:29 PM
moms house (by JR [ME]) May 7, 2020 6:02 PM
moms house (by Salernitana [CA]) May 7, 2020 6:38 PM
moms house (by Ray-N-Pa [PA]) May 7, 2020 8:19 PM
moms house (by Cjo’h [CT]) May 8, 2020 2:52 AM
moms house (by Cjo’h [CT]) May 8, 2020 3:07 AM
moms house (by Cjo’h [CT]) May 8, 2020 3:27 AM
moms house (by Cjo’h [CT]) May 8, 2020 3:34 AM
moms house (by 6x6 [TN]) May 8, 2020 10:22 AM
moms house (by 6x6 [TN]) May 8, 2020 10:38 AM
moms house (by Busy [WI]) May 8, 2020 11:17 AM
moms house (by Nicole [PA]) May 8, 2020 11:30 AM
moms house (by RentsDue [MA]) May 8, 2020 11:36 AM
moms house (by 6x6 [TN]) May 8, 2020 2:50 PM
moms house (by Wilma [PA]) May 8, 2020 4:03 PM
moms house (by Gwen [OH]) May 9, 2020 2:32 PM
moms house (by 6x6 [TN]) May 11, 2020 10:12 AM
moms house (by Tazette [CT]) May 11, 2020 11:03 AM
moms house (by Lucy [IN]) May 11, 2020 1:18 PM
moms house (by 6x6 [TN]) Posted on: May 6, 2020 5:37 PM
It is a bit complicated. My mother is on SS and is under "choices"(Tenn Care)in the nursing home. I have a half sister who has 3 kids with her husband and live out of state. When my older sister died in November I tried to find papers that my older sister was supposed to have in her apartment(living will & ins policy). My half sister didn't know where the papers might be. I then asked her if she knew anything that the dying sister would have wanted. My half sister said that she(dying sister)wanted her to have everything in the apartment. I told her to come and get it and that I could use the help and the excuses started rolling out. My mother broke her hip and fell in the parking lot of the hospital where my older sister was dying and that is how she is now in a nursing home. I ended dealing with all of my older sisters affairs by my self and at my expense and am now dealing with my mothers affairs by myself. None of the females in my immediate family have ever worked except for my mother for about 3 years a few years ago(I was shocked). I am the only sibling who ever had to pay rent while living at my parents house and working full time and trying to graduate. No one was at my graduation. There are a lot of things that would take to long to mention as to why I am not my mothers biggest fan. This is just a few. The biggest right now is that my mother wants my half sister to have the house when she dies because of the grandkids. My half sister is not helping with expenses or anything. I haven't talked to my half sister since my older sister died and honestly I don't want to but I will need to when I have the patients. My half sisters husband is the one that, on occasion, talks to my mother on the phone as my sister usually will not. I have checked my half sisters FB page and there is no mention of my mother at all. My half sister just shares links of stupid profane things. My mother tells me that I am the only one she can trust and that she can not trust my half sister but because of the grand kids(she thinks she can save)she wants the house to go to my half sister. My mother also wants them to move back down here and care for her at home. This is not a good idea because they do not get along, in fact, my half sister has hit her before. My mother would not call the police because of the grandkids. I struggle every day trying to figure out why that I am helping my mother. I asked a friend of mine once(he is a deacon at a church)and he said it is probably because that I feel like it is the right thing to do.
It is because of this and the fact that my mother is under the "choices" program, were they take all of her check but $50 and she can not have more then 2k in liquid assets(not a problem), and that my half sister may be moving back(not my choice)to live there that I can not rent it.
I also don't want to put money into a house, including paying the property taxes and insurance, that someone that has no real skin in the game will receive. I am however dealing with her affairs otherwise to help her. I have POA of her financial affairs and so I can pay her bills(nursing home) out of her checking account. I have also just checked with the city and county tax offices for her to get a tax freeze and relief as her stimulus check will pay that this time.
So as you can tell I have a bit of a complicated situation that I am trying to figure out and that I am dealing with. I am sorry for the long post and tried to keep it short but give enough detailed explanation. At this point though I really could use some guidance.
How would you handle this situation?
I am thinking that her taxes will be covered this year and that I will be telling my half sister that the insurance and taxes will be on her after that. I also will need to figure out how probate works for future reference. --73.120.xx.xxx
moms house (by Carolyn [MO]) Posted on: May 6, 2020 5:47 PM
I am sorry that I don't have any good ideas about how to handle the situation.Unfortunately, that type of thing happens often. Many of us have experienced some aspects of your situation.
However, you have my sympathy. No matter what happens, you should feel good about what you have been doing to help. --136.34.xxx.xxx
moms house (by Hammer [TN]) Posted on: May 6, 2020 5:49 PM
Contact your Probate attorney who will be handling the estate. Yeah it will cost some $ BUT handling things correctly from the start will save you a bunch of headache and $ moving forward.
Bless you for taking on what sounds like a thankless job. --137.119.xxx.xx
moms house (by Richard [MI]) Posted on: May 6, 2020 6:30 PM
I've seen several situations like this. It never turns out well. The worst part, unfortunately is that no matter what you do, you are highly likely to be accused of enriching yourself at Others expense and will reap a lifetime of bad feelings.
My advice is turn it over to the court and let the court appoint a neutral attorney to handle it (conservator). Don't put another dollar into it. These people are experienced at it. Just tell the court you are not equipped to handle it. You back away and wish them all well. Do not become involved. Let the court handle it.
You have your family and life to take care of and that's enough. --75.7.xx.xx
moms house (by Ken [NY]) Posted on: May 6, 2020 6:56 PM
I would walk away from the whole situation,if the sister gets the house she can deal with probate,worry about the taxes being paid etc,she can deal with it all.As Richard said you will get the blame,that is what users do to deflect the fact that they screwed up everything --104.229.xxx.xxx
moms house (by 6x6 [TN]) Posted on: May 6, 2020 7:27 PM
The logical side of my brain says to revoke the durable POA and tell my mother that she needs to tell my half sister to handle it(which she won't and usually doesn't even talk to my mom on the phone, because she can't handle it or she gets upset. That is what she tells my mom). I have told my mother that I will not personally pay the taxes and insurance on the house since she is giving it to my half sister and my mother says that she understands. The other part of me says that it is the right thing to do and that in the end I will be asked to handle it anyway. Therefore, I also feel that at least this way I have a bit of a head start on things. When my older sister could no longer speak for herself, her so called best friend, who is the one on the life insurance policy, dropped the ball and said she would not deal with it and I stepped in and handled everything. I don't know if her best friend got the life insurance policy or not. My half sister also posted on FB about how her brother (me) didn't think my sister had anything of value(and she didn't)(she also lived on welfare and everything had cat urine and feces all over it)but my half sister failed to mention the fact that I told her to come and get it and that I was handling and paying for everything. So Richard, you are correct in that I will be accused of things but I am keeping notes and taking pictures. --73.120.xx.xxx
moms house (by Richard [MI]) Posted on: May 6, 2020 7:53 PM
6x6, That's a good idea. I just wish people and families especially could be nicer to each other and work together. --75.7.xx.xx
moms house (by Live The Dream [AZ]) Posted on: May 6, 2020 7:54 PM
First - check your state laws regarding intestate succession. I'm not sure in your case. My Father died without a Will - he never though he'd wake up dead one morning. It cost me over a million dollars (about 400G cash and a 700G house) - everything went to the step mother, who was worth several million in her own right. I got some of his tools and an old bank account with $20,000 that still had my name on it for some reason. The step kids stuck their mom in a home where she died - strangers got EVERYTHING that my dad worked his life for. Essentially your mom is giving her (your) legacy to your step sisters current husband and his kids. (To be brutal about it.)
How much equity are we talking here? That makes a big difference in your approach.
If your mother is lucid you might first suggest she leave the house to you, so you can rent it and help your sister with some income (at your discretion). Explaining that you don't think it will work out having the step family care for her. Can you arrange home care under the medicare option?
That obviously puts you in total control and will probably enrage the sister and step husband. Alternatively suggest that you set up an IRREVOCABLE trust (not a revocable trust to avoid probate) with both you and your sister as beneficiaries and YOU as trustee.
If you don't make it irrevocable you and your sister will end up playing the "get mom to change the trust" game. My mother was a lawyer for 20 years and she dealt with many of those. Mom goes to stay with one sibling and they get her to change the will and trust. Then 3 months later the other one sinks their claws. What a mess! I remember one went back and forth like four times. (My mom wasn't very good about atty-client privacy with me. LOL)
If you do get her to do a trust, then upon her passing, as trustee you can sell the house and distribute the proceeds evenly (after reasonable expenses of the trustee). Or you could bypass the sister and make the grand kids beneficiaries and you could rent or sell it for yours and their benefit. This will also avoid probate. You may also be able to defer taxes to be paid upon sale. Don't forget taking 1/2 a management fee from sisters share.
Failing that you have the choice to do what you feel is right for your own current and future emotional well being. Or just say your goodbyes, walk away and let the sister deal with the mess.
Sometimes life choices are difficult. My mother outlived her money and wasn't the easiest person to deal with. Her Soc Sec wasn't enough to support her preferred lifestyle so she moved in with us a few years before she passed. Luckily at the time I was making crazy money and had a huge house. She couldn't breathe at the beach so we brought her to the dry desert which extended her life by a year or so. But once we could not care for her at home even with p/t nurses I found a nice nursing home and paid for it. Five or six years later, I'm glad I did, even though it ended up costing me around $100K. I know I did the right thing for my mother. I think you have to decide what is right for you and for your future well being. Best wishes.
moms house (by plenty [MO]) Posted on: May 6, 2020 8:04 PM
Send sister a letter to get items remove from housr by a certain date. I'd be watching the house in the advertised tax sale paper and buy a tax position. You are the cleanup team. Cant save the sister. Your mom knows you are responsible and have a home. She brought the sister in the world and mom wants to provide her shelter when mom us gone and her grandkids too. Mom knows sister is not solid in her decision making. Cant fix sister but you can protect the house. --99.203.xx.xx
moms house (by Nicole [PA]) Posted on: May 6, 2020 8:20 PM
I guess initial questions would be --
how old is your mom?
is she capable of making legal decisions (not necessarily emotional ones you agree with)?
is she coming home?
will she need full time care going forward, not just your sister being there?
I'm assuming the house is her only asset - probably best bet is to sell it and mom go to assisted living or small government funded apartment.
from what you say here, I doubt I would take the responsibility to rent it out. --72.70.xxx.xxx
moms house (by 6x6 [TN]) Posted on: May 6, 2020 8:31 PM
I and my mothers Sunday school teacher(also her friend) has tried to tell her that my half sister will just loose the house or pawn it but my mother is convinced that she is somehow helping the grand kids. My mother also said that she does not want it rented but as I mentioned earlier I don't think I could anyway.It really can't be transferred now anyway because of her being on Medicaid under the choices program. They have a "look back period" that also looks back to a certain time before they get on Medicaid. I looked that up a little while ago under elder law as myob mentioned the situation as has my wife before. I think that would also keep me from doing a trust.
The house is paid for as she has been there over 30 years and I have found nothing to indicate any other loans as I check her mail and handle the billing. I also have the RE papers and mortgage release papers. I also wanted to get all papers out of the house just in case. Thanks for the tip about the taxes.
I know I will get varying opinions but all information is important right now. I can sort threw and figure out what works. I can also make a list of questions from this to ask an elder law attorney. I probably should have posted about this earlier but I needed a clearer head and to take a breath. November and on was rough.
I thank everyone for your wisdom. The more the better. Keep it coming. --73.120.xx.xxx
moms house (by 6x6 [TN]) Posted on: May 6, 2020 8:48 PM
Mom is 72.
She is legally competent just not educated or common sense smart.
At this point I don't think she is coming home unless my half sister and her family come back and then take her home and take care of her, which is what my mother is wanting, even though I think it is a bad idea. My mother will probably be abused and then I will have to deal with that. Also my half sister and family will be living off of my mother and my mothers church as they always do. If my mother goes home with them then she will be back in charge of her finances and will support them.
My mother does need full time care. She is supposed to be checking with her insurance about home care but I don't think that they do 24/7.
I can't sell the house or she will be very upset for one and she will get kicked off of Medicaid and become self pay until the money is all used up which would defeat the purpose. Also, if she were to get better to where she could go home then she would not have one. She is not living with me. I draw the line there. LOL --73.120.xx.xxx
moms house (by CDM [CA]) Posted on: May 6, 2020 8:54 PM
If your mother is in her right mind, then the house and whatever money she has are hers to dispose of as she wishes. I personally think you are doing the right thing by handling her finances and keeping her afloat.
But beyond that, I hope you will consider how much additional role you want to/need to play in the lives of these other people who clearly don't care about your wellbeing. If you can remain kind while keeping a greater distance, such as not handling your mother's estate after she dies, that might give you more peace of mind.
I've always approached caring for the difficult elders in my life with the goal of behaving so that I don't feel regrets or guilt after they die. But I also focus on only doing the things for them that don't drive me insane. It's a difficult balance sometimes. I hope you can find a solution that works better for you than the current situation. --73.231.xxx.xxx
moms house (by AllyM [NJ]) Posted on: May 6, 2020 9:09 PM
Check with a lawyer but there may be some way that you are appointed caretaker of the whole thing and can make decisions. It may be by becoming trustee of the trust in your mother's name. That way they have to come to you to sign checks, as I found out with my Dad's trust after mom passed. Lawyer was trustee and his asst. was a b word so I could not get checks signed.
Yeah, convince them, or have a lawyer convince them to put it all in a trust and you are the trustee. Mom then gets it her way but you are in control though I think a trustee can be dismissed. The trust is a separate entity, like another person and it owns the house so sister can't sell it. --173.61.xxx.xx
moms house (by JR [ME]) Posted on: May 6, 2020 9:23 PM
Sorry for your crappy situation.
If your mother stays in the nursing home, at like $6,000 to $10,000 a month, her equity in her home will be depleted quickly as I expect TennCare will (rightly) put a lien on her home to reimburse the state for her care after she passes so half sister won’t be getting it, nor you.
If you have proof of your step sister hitting your mother, you should report it to the police and your state’s elder abuse authorities.
Under no circumstances should you put a penny into her house.
Bottom line, I’d explain to mom, with a witness handy, that if she decides to move back to her home with step sister, that you, given her history of domestic abuse, cannot be a part of her life anymore except to take her to Cracker Barrel on Sundays. Revoke your POA, kiss her on the cheek, and hug your wife and kids a little closer.
moms house (by LindaJ [NY]) Posted on: May 6, 2020 9:32 PM
You and your mother need to talk to an estate lawyer asap. There are ways to protect assets even after entering a nursing home. It is harder to protect all of it, but they can protect some. She might be required to sell the house to fund her care. That said, if she is concerned about the grandkids, she needs to protect the assets for them. Giving it to your sister may not be the best way to do that. A trust could be set up for the grandkids, that would keep your sister from losing it.
Even when parents become difficult, they are still our parents and have had a lot of influence in who we are, whether we decide to be like them, or nothing like them. Plenty of siblings don't end up talking to each other.
Here it takes years for a house to be foreclosed due to back taxes, so it may be best to just not pay the taxes. But I would still recommend you talk to a lawyer specializing in elder care. Some even have a free consultation. --108.4.xxx.xxx
moms house (by Frank [NJ]) Posted on: May 6, 2020 9:47 PM
All these decisions are to be guided by the laws of you state. Get an estate lawyer and do as much as possible NOW before it gets any more bullied up and becomes un fixable.
Good luck....you get to be the lone adult in this. --174.225.xxx.xxx
moms house (by Live The Dream [AZ]) Posted on: May 6, 2020 11:01 PM
Oh - I understand better. You are probably screwed. Medicare and their "look back" is likely to evaporate any equity you have in the house to reimburse their expenses. Unless there is a huge equity there will be nothing left.
You'd better find out what the nursing home is charging medicare. This is the biggest legal "racket" in America to separate the dying from their last dime.
Should have transferred it into a trust over 5 years ago. I'd say if you can keep a relationship with your mother and if she's going to cut you out, then stay friendly but just tell everyone you are out, that you have other things to do.
Good luck. --47.216.xx.xxx
moms house (by Still Learning [NH]) Posted on: May 7, 2020 12:00 AM
Family can be tough and things can get ugly when it involves stepping up to help or distributing assets. Good luck. --73.17.xx.xxx
moms house (by Lucy [IN]) Posted on: May 7, 2020 12:04 AM
Since this house is your mother's only asset she owns and maybe a car. This is what medicaid allows as long as she has an "intent" to move back to the home. Don't give up the "intent" to move back or Medicaid (from my understanding could force a sale now)
But what happens is say the nursing home's charge (like my sister's is) 8900 a month and they charge her all of her Soc Security except for $50, then medicaid pays say 5850. The difference of 3000 a month will be charged against your mothers estate (her house). So it's better to have that happen than them to force the sale and just charge your mother 8900 (because she'd no longer be eligible for medicaid) until all the money from the house is gone. This could leave a little bit of money for whomever (your half sister if that's how mom wants it). Try not pay for anything yourself. You'll probably never recoup and your mom has this one asset. I've read a lot on the subject and did see an elder care attorney. It paid off for me. (cost 5000) and saved us quite a bit, but she had sold her house a few years before all this went down. I would encourage mom to stay in the nursing home as paying private duty (which she can't afford) (My sister paid out $35000 for private duty for just a few hours a day of care)(I'm her POA and take care finances and took her doc appts etc but didnt do day to day care) -and your sister caring for her sounds like a bad idea-for everyone. Good luck to you and your family during this difficult time. --69.160.xxx.xxx
moms house (by elliot [RI]) Posted on: May 7, 2020 7:47 AM
6x6, sorry to see that you are in such tough situation.. We met at the convention.. you are a kind soul.. stay strong and do what allows you to sleep at night after your mother's passing. Stay strong !
My parents and MIL are in their 70s, it will be my turn to learn and deal with it when they approach that stage. This board is a great place to meet friends and learn new things every day!! --96.253.xx.xx
moms house (by myob [GA]) Posted on: May 7, 2020 8:05 AM
6 sorry to hear this.
Look when your mom got the choice program and she turns SSI
everything over to the nursing home she had to fill out paperwork to get the aid. Time is not your friend here because the transfer to wealth-- yes even her home will have time limits. For example - if she signs the home over to you and she passes within a 3 year period-- the home could revert back to the nursing home to cover her cost of care. The rules for taking aid-- and lets face it who can pay out of pocket for a nursing home costs in many FURURE ways.
If your trying to save money on advice-- my first stop would be with the accountant at her nursing home. Then you can do a 1 hr with an old age atty. --99.103.xxx.xxx
moms house (by Oregon Woodsmoke [ID]) Posted on: May 7, 2020 11:02 AM
Has your mother put that into writing in a will?
I have two suggestions. If you don't want to fight over the house, just let your sister know that the taxes and insurance are now her problem to pay if she wishes to have the house still there to inherit. Then the sister and the house are no longer your problem to deal with. Walk away from it.
The other possibility would be to talk your mother into leaving the house to you with the condition that you let the sister live there. Then at some point you could evict the sister if she isn't taking care of the house or paying the expenses. That would not be my first choice because that sticks you with the job of taking care of the sister.
I suspect that if your mother is under some sort of medicaid program, that the government is going tot take the house when she dies anyway, and nobody is going to get it. --98.146.xxx.xxx
moms house (by Landlord ofthe Flies [TX]) Posted on: May 7, 2020 2:54 PM
Don't spend another penny on the house. If your mother isn't going to live in the house unless the heir is there to take care of her, and she can't sell for a profit due to TennCare, then why not go ahead and settle your mom's estate now? Give the possessions to the heirs now. Gift the house to the sister so she's liable for payments. If TennCare has a lien on the house then have the sister satisfy the lien.
If your sister loses the house, it's on her and your mother can see that it was a bad decision. Either way, you're blameless.
If your mother's inheritance is given away then I bet your relative problems will end once the money and house is distributed.
I would stop worrying about your mother's things and just focus on your mother. That will make life easier for you and all the bickering will stop since there's nothing left to pick over. --108.69.xxx.xxx
moms house (by 6x6 [TN]) Posted on: May 7, 2020 3:29 PM
Thank you everyone for your kind words, time and wisdom.
My mother has lived off of tax payers and churches her whole life, I kid you not. That is one of the problems I have with my mother. Sometimes I wonder why I didn't just learn from the master like my 2 sisters but instead I chose to be more responsible. How smart am I?
There is a Federal law that requires all states to try and get reimbursed from those who get on Medicaid. Each state can choose how they do it. I agree with this law as JR[ME] does above. I think the tax payers should get there money back, as much as possible.
According to Elder Law the "Look Back Period" goes back 5 years except for CA, were it is 30 months and NY does not apply it. So there is no way that my mother can transfer the property without fair compensation(market value). If she transfers or sales the house then she will be taken off of Medicaid and become private pay until the money is used up. They also do not allow credit to pay taxes and insurance on the home as they do not consider that a necessity(per financial department at the nursing home).
I honestly, at this point, do not care that the home is a lost cause because as I said earlier(I also told my mother this)I think it is fair that the tax payers should get there money back. This would also keep my half sister, who has done nothing, from getting the home. My real concern from this point forward is that I get reimbursed for my expenses, which I am keeping as low as possible, incase I don't, and hopefully get compensated for my time as it says in the durable POA.
My mother has had an attorney write up a will for her about 2 or 3 years ago and gave a copy to HER sister who now says that she(mothers sister) doesn't know where it is. I have no idea what it says as I have never seen it but I know that my sister is getting everything in it. That really doesn't matter though because she has written another will in her own handwriting that is signed and dated. That is also no good now as my mother has told me that she has written another will in the Nursing Home. When Legal Aid came to the Nursing Home to do the DPOA, she told my mother and me that in the state of TN you do not have to have a lawyer draw up a will and that it just has to be in your own(mothers)handwriting and signed and dated. It does not even have to be witnessed but the person presenting the will does have to bring evidence of other writings from her. My mother changes her mind all of the time. I have not seen this will either because of COVID-19 keeps me from visiting the NH.
One of my thoughts and plans is to do as Oregon Woodsmoke[ID] above has mentioned and tell my half sister that if she wants to keep the home then she is responsible for all cost of it. The utilities were cut off and house winterized by me at end of February when I saw that it didn't look like my mother was getting out any time soon. --73.120.xx.xxx
moms house (by JR [ME]) Posted on: May 7, 2020 6:02 PM
Again, sorry for your situation.
The way to keep your expenses low is to not put another penny into the house. Though the POA may say you get reimbursed for your time, as you said your mother has no assets except the house, and only 50 bucks a month for her personal needs; so I’m afraid you will get squat.
The state will put a lien on her house if it hasn’t already. If you don’t want to keep it for yourself by purchasing it at fair market value, then just let it go, literally.
Visit your mother and take her to Cracker Barrel on Sundays. Talk about your Dad, the good old days (if there were any) and what that rascal in the Whitehouse is doing. Don’t speak of any financial affairs, and do not put another penny into the house. Revoke your power of attorney. Have an iced tea for me.
Forget about your half sister and her clan, they spark no joy in you. --98.13.xx.xxx
moms house (by Salernitana [CA]) Posted on: May 7, 2020 6:38 PM
I'm sorry about the issues, and I commend you for your strength and clarity of mind to have navigated around such difficult and complicated circumstances. You independently saved yourself over the years, however, you can only do so much to help the future affairs of your family.
The advice here is sound, and hopefully, you can do your best to present the facts and document everything just in case. It sounds like you're surrounded by women who seem to pull you into their lives while you present realistic facts, advice, and projections for everyone's benefit. Family is family...
Take care. --73.93.xx.xx
moms house (by Ray-N-Pa [PA]) Posted on: May 7, 2020 8:19 PM
Ran into a similar situation when my Grandmother passed some time back. Since she was in a old age home, the state took the fair market value of the house. That basically left her broke.
So we threw the data. We auctioned off the property and filled out the sellers disclosure statement. No one wanted it so it went for cheap so the state got paid the small amount it was sold for and the long term neighbor and friend of hers got a bargain. The kid would plow her driveway so we are glad that Karma was good to him --24.101.xxx.xx
moms house (by Cjo’h [CT]) Posted on: May 8, 2020 2:52 AM
6. X. 6, sorry for you and this mess.As an immigrant here I don’t have any relatives here in this country so nothing like that , what’s happening to you,will happen to me. Listen to what JR in Maine advises.A lot of good advice from others too..........charlie.....................and use your own discretion as well.................èîèîèîèî èæèæèæèæ Vibe la Canada too..........................and Ireland also.......... --32.214.xxx.xx
moms house (by Cjo’h [CT]) Posted on: May 8, 2020 3:07 AM
Oh And don’t mention that character in the White HOUSE OR Fifth AvenueShe’ll probably only get more upset, Of course she’s probably in much better health than he is????.................charlie............. --32.214.xxx.xx
moms house (by Cjo’h [CT]) Posted on: May 8, 2020 3:27 AM
6 x 6, just to cover. Yourself and give you a little guidance I would hire an Elder. Care Attorney even though it may cost you a few dollars out of pocket,money well spent, Justin case...........charlie......îêîêîêîê èæèæèæèæèæ..................... --32.214.xxx.xx
moms house (by Cjo’h [CT]) Posted on: May 8, 2020 3:34 AM
6. X. 6, I think someone else suggested that also...........charlie --32.214.xxx.xx
moms house (by 6x6 [TN]) Posted on: May 8, 2020 10:22 AM
With my half sister living out of state, I have been keeping an eye on my mothers house and getting her mail and doing the lawn care.
I have POA at her bank, and have had for years, that is separate from the DPOA that I now have. This is how I was paying her utilities and other few bills while she is in the nursing home. Luckily, she really didn't have very many bills until the medical bills now, which I turn over to the nursing home for them to turn into the state. All utilities were turned off when I saw she was not getting out anytime soon and she would have no money to pay them. I decided right off the batt that I was not going to pay her personal bills myself considering the situation. My expenses really amount to lawn care and travel and time at this point.
I think that I could have her mail start going to the nursing home if I want to stop it from going to her house. I don't want it coming to my house because I don't want to get attached to any creditors or collectors that there might be in the future trying to get me to pay for someone else's expenses. I can also set it up to were the nursing home does a draft out of her account and possibly handle all of her expenses.
If I decide to revoke the DPOA then should I also call the bank and have myself removed as POA over her bank account or should I keep one or both to keep some form of control?
If I do go that route, then in order to get away from any drama that there will be, I think that I should just avoid all of them.
I am quite sure that if my mother were to die then I will get contacted and asked to take charge anyway. I also have POA over her health care and I have authority with her advance care directive. If I revoke the DPOA then do I revoke all of this as well?
I feel like that if I keep all of this then I at least have some sort of control to a point and I am afraid that my half sister will refuse to handle things and then things will be in a complete mess and I will end up involved anyway. As it stands at the moment, there really aren't any bills other then the nursing home, property taxes and insurance. Thanks to the stimulus check, she will have enough money to cover another year of taxes and insurance.
I am thinking at this point that I need to call my half sister and just get first hand information directly from her about what there plans are for moving back down here or not. I really can't go by what my mother tells me because she is all over the board. I will also inform her of the situation with the house being winterized and having no utilities even though my mother says she has told her. I just need to be sure. I will also let her know that because she is to get any inheritance then all expenses pertaining to the house will be on her. I will probably still keep the lawn care done, for now anyway, until I get a better idea of where everyone's thoughts are. I just think that it would be better to clarify things and get everyone in the know and hopefully on the same page.
Another problem that I am currently having is that my mother seems different in responsiveness. She use to call kind of frequent, usually complaining, so it is more peaceful now, and I usually could get a hold of her calling her room # but now I can't. I have called and asked the nurses and managers about it and they all say that she is doing fine and that she can reach the phone. The nurse manager went yesterday in her room and checked and came back on the phone with me and said that she just placed the phone right in front of her but that it was in reach before. I got off the phone with the nurse manager and instantly tried to call my mother and no answer. I don't know what is going on and I can't visit due to COVID-19. What a mess. Oh well. What do you do?
I really appreciate everyone's help and time reading my long post. --73.120.xx.xxx
moms house (by 6x6 [TN]) Posted on: May 8, 2020 10:38 AM
Another reason I need to call my half sister is to try and get an address. They just changed phone numbers. I finally got the new #, I think, from my mom when I finally got a hold of her last week. My mother told me that my half sister and her husband change phone numbers when they can't pay the other one. LOL. They usually live with other people and then end up getting kicked out so it will be tough to get a good address. To bad you can't choose the family you are born into. Geees. --73.120.xx.xxx
moms house (by Busy [WI]) Posted on: May 8, 2020 11:17 AM
I’m thinking your mom is recognizing the mess she has left you in, and maybe that is why she isn’t responding. Guilt sounds like a new emotion for her. She made her way through life by being the victim, and she won’t likely ever apologize to you for all she has put you through. So, she’s dealing with her guilt by cutting you out of communication.
My thoughts are that even though it will be hard, you might be best to just remove yourself as much as possible. Likely nursing home will get the proceeds from the house, and if half-sister doesn’t get a windfall, she’ll blame you!
Very right, we don’t get to choose the family we are born into. My own family has some stories ( and hurt) like yours. The best way seems to be make a life for you and your wife going forward, and spend your extra love on others . Maybe in your motor group, maybe with your friends, maybe your wife’s family . And you sure can be my brother! Big brothers/ big sisters organization could use a fella like you to help a youngster see more opportunities in life... --70.92.xxx.xxx
moms house (by Nicole [PA]) Posted on: May 8, 2020 11:30 AM
Personal experience says the nursing home will not take charge of your mom's finances and bill paying. Here, they will also not have themselves appointed power of attorney.
I would not revoke anything. Who knows what you'll need/want to do in the future and then you'd be back to square one without documentation.
It sounds like there is no estate so really should be no issues. If your mom isn't coming back relatively soon there is a good chance she's not coming back at all.
I would auction the house, give the state the money (or however it works) and move on. Mom will be taken care of financially and you have no worries. --72.70.xxx.xxx
moms house (by RentsDue [MA]) Posted on: May 8, 2020 11:36 AM
While it has made me wildly unpopular, I am a firm believer that you most certainly can pick your own family. I also adamantly believe ( and don’t mind telling people) that able bodied adults are where they are because they put themselves there. That is why you are successful despite the fact you do not have a supportive family . They have you to support them and they still can’t find peace. You are a good man. --71.89.x.xxx
moms house (by 6x6 [TN]) Posted on: May 8, 2020 2:50 PM
Thank you for the kind words.
I am trying to be as little involved as possible but still maintain control so that I don't end up in a situation like Nicole mentioned.
I don't doubt at all that no matter which way I turn or no matter what I do or don't do that I will get some blame. That is one reason that I will talk to my sister if I can get a hold of her so that maybe we can get an idea of were each others thoughts are and not have a lot of guessing games or mystery. I can at least say that I tried to talk to her and I tried to give her a good idea of were things are.
I agree that people make there own choices and end up were they are.
I will see how my conversation goes with my sister. --73.120.xx.xxx
moms house (by Wilma [PA]) Posted on: May 8, 2020 4:03 PM
I will now call my brother and tell him again how deeply appreciated how easy he was to work with when I was executor of Dad's estate. There was no hassle or squabble in the least. "Whatever you want, Sis." Was his frequent comment.
I agree that an experienced Elder Law attorney is your best bet. Hang in there. --151.197.xxx.xxx
moms house (by Gwen [OH]) Posted on: May 9, 2020 2:32 PM
Your POA's expire when your mom does. Unless your mom can transfer the house to a disabled person, Medicaid will have a lien on the house. You need an attorney who practices estate and elder law. If she transfers the house now that person gets the stepped up basis not what she paid years ago. She needs to talk to an attorney who can make her see that legally she is not protecting anybody but only making things worse. They do make nursing home house calls. We got moms house away from Medicaid because I am disabled. It was days before she died. She won't listen to you, she needs an expert. Get her one or more.
moms house (by 6x6 [TN]) Posted on: May 11, 2020 10:12 AM
Thanks again for the responses.
I talked to my half sister and her husband over the weekend and had a really good conversation. We discussed everything including all the house situations. I told them to Google how Medicaid works and the rules to verify and they said that they were told the same thing by his aunt and that they thought she was blowing smoke so they believe me. I told them to Google it anyway and they said they would. They said they were behind me and whatever decisions I need to make. I also explained to them all of the troubles that I had in dealing with my older sisters affaires and they said that they didn't know all of that. We got our misperceptions out of the way as well. Now we know each others take on the matter and are all relieved and are going to work together. We will see how it goes but I think we will be fine. --73.120.xx.xxx
moms house (by Tazette [CT]) Posted on: May 11, 2020 11:03 AM
You have the power to sell the house so why not do it when you are sure that mom will not be returning home. Solves all of your problems... maintenance, paying for care, dealing with siblings. If she is not competent, then she probably will not make it home. Another solution is hiring a third party caretaker. Everyone is right that there is a 5 year look back period. You should also consider keeping track of your time. Finally, find out who the attorney was that did her will as they should have a copy. --32.211.xxx.xxx
moms house (by Lucy [IN]) Posted on: May 11, 2020 1:18 PM
Of course I'd recommend talking to an Elder Law Attorney, but as Tezette suggested you could sell the house and mom is also allowed "final expenses" so if you sell before that happens you can go ahead and buy her prepaid funeral expenses and so that doesn't have to come from your pocket. and something for your time? Because if it's sold after her death, I think you'd have one heck of a time getting anything at all out of it, for the funeral for your expenses..good luck
PS You seem to have a clear understanding of how the law works regarding the state recouping it's expenses. But there are probably some things the elder law att knows that can help..plus their fee would come out of her estate legally also. --69.160.xxx.xxx