It is a bit complicated. My mother is on SS and is under "choices"(Tenn Care)in the nursing home. I have a half sister who has 3 kids with her husband and live out of state. When my older sister died in November I tried to find papers that my older sister was supposed to have in her apartment(living will & ins policy). My half sister didn't know where the papers might be. I then asked her if she knew anything that the dying sister would have wanted. My half sister said that she(dying sister)wanted her to have everything in the apartment. I told her to come and get it and that I could use the help and the excuses started rolling out. My mother broke her hip and fell in the parking lot of the hospital where my older sister was dying and that is how she is now in a nursing home. I ended dealing with all of my older sisters affairs by my self and at my expense and am now dealing with my mothers affairs by myself. None of the females in my immediate family have ever worked except for my mother for about 3 years a few years ago(I was shocked). I am the only sibling who ever had to pay rent while living at my parents house and working full time and trying to graduate. No one was at my graduation. There are a lot of things that would take to long to mention as to why I am not my mothers biggest fan. This is just a few. The biggest right now is that my mother wants my half sister to have the house when she dies because of the grandkids. My half sister is not helping with expenses or anything. I haven't talked to my half sister since my older sister died and honestly I don't want to but I will need to when I have the patients. My half sisters husband is the one that, on occasion, talks to my mother on the phone as my sister usually will not. I have checked my half sisters FB page and there is no mention of my mother at all. My half sister just shares links of stupid profane things. My mother tells me that I am the only one she can trust and that she can not trust my half sister but because of the grand kids(she thinks she can save)she wants the house to go to my half sister. My mother also wants them to move back down here and care for her at home. This is not a good idea because they do not get along, in fact, my half sister has hit her before. My mother would not call the police because of the grandkids. I struggle every day trying to figure out why that I am helping my mother. I asked a friend of mine once(he is a deacon at a church)and he said it is probably because that I feel like it is the right thing to do.

It is because of this and the fact that my mother is under the "choices" program, were they take all of her check but $50 and she can not have more then 2k in liquid assets(not a problem), and that my half sister may be moving back(not my choice)to live there that I can not rent it.

I also don't want to put money into a house, including paying the property taxes and insurance, that someone that has no real skin in the game will receive. I am however dealing with her affairs otherwise to help her. I have POA of her financial affairs and so I can pay her bills(nursing home) out of her checking account. I have also just checked with the city and county tax offices for her to get a tax freeze and relief as her stimulus check will pay that this time.

So as you can tell I have a bit of a complicated situation that I am trying to figure out and that I am dealing with. I am sorry for the long post and tried to keep it short but give enough detailed explanation. At this point though I really could use some guidance.

How would you handle this situation?

I am sorry that I don't have any good ideas about how to handle the situation.Unfortunately, that type of thing happens often. Many of us have experienced some aspects of your situation.

Contact your Probate attorney who will be handling the estate. Yeah it will cost some $ BUT handling things correctly from the start will save you a bunch of headache and $ moving forward.

I've seen several situations like this. It never turns out well. The worst part, unfortunately is that no matter what you do, you are highly likely to be accused of enriching yourself at Others expense and will reap a lifetime of bad feelings.

My advice is turn it over to the court and let the court appoint a neutral attorney to handle it (conservator). Don't put another dollar into it. These people are experienced at it. Just tell the court you are not equipped to handle it. You back away and wish them all well. Do not become involved. Let the court handle it.

First - check your state laws regarding intestate succession. I'm not sure in your case. My Father died without a Will - he never though he'd wake up dead one morning. It cost me over a million dollars (about 400G cash and a 700G house) - everything went to the step mother, who was worth several million in her own right. I got some of his tools and an old bank account with $20,000 that still had my name on it for some reason. The step kids stuck their mom in a home where she died - strangers got EVERYTHING that my dad worked his life for. Essentially your mom is giving her (your) legacy to your step sisters current husband and his kids. (To be brutal about it.)

How much equity are we talking here? That makes a big difference in your approach.

If your mother is lucid you might first suggest she leave the house to you, so you can rent it and help your sister with some income (at your discretion). Explaining that you don't think it will work out having the step family care for her. Can you arrange home care under the medicare option?

That obviously puts you in total control and will probably enrage the sister and step husband. Alternatively suggest that you set up an IRREVOCABLE trust (not a revocable trust to avoid probate) with both you and your sister as beneficiaries and YOU as trustee.

If you don't make it irrevocable you and your sister will end up playing the "get mom to change the trust" game. My mother was a lawyer for 20 years and she dealt with many of those. Mom goes to stay with one sibling and they get her to change the will and trust. Then 3 months later the other one sinks their claws. What a mess! I remember one went back and forth like four times. (My mom wasn't very good about atty-client privacy with me. LOL)

If you do get her to do a trust, then upon her passing, as trustee you can sell the house and distribute the proceeds evenly (after reasonable expenses of the trustee). Or you could bypass the sister and make the grand kids beneficiaries and you could rent or sell it for yours and their benefit. This will also avoid probate. You may also be able to defer taxes to be paid upon sale. Don't forget taking 1/2 a management fee from sisters share.

Failing that you have the choice to do what you feel is right for your own current and future emotional well being. Or just say your goodbyes, walk away and let the sister deal with the mess.

Sometimes life choices are difficult. My mother outlived her money and wasn't the easiest person to deal with. Her Soc Sec wasn't enough to support her preferred lifestyle so she moved in with us a few years before she passed. Luckily at the time I was making crazy money and had a huge house. She couldn't breathe at the beach so we brought her to the dry desert which extended her life by a year or so. But once we could not care for her at home even with p/t nurses I found a nice nursing home and paid for it. Five or six years later, I'm glad I did, even though it ended up costing me around $100K. I know I did the right thing for my mother. I think you have to decide what is right for you and for your future well being. Best wishes.

I guess initial questions would be --

how old is your mom?

is she capable of making legal decisions (not necessarily emotional ones you agree with)?

is she coming home?

will she need full time care going forward, not just your sister being there?

I'm assuming the house is her only asset - probably best bet is to sell it and mom go to assisted living or small government funded apartment.

I and my mothers Sunday school teacher(also her friend) has tried to tell her that my half sister will just loose the house or pawn it but my mother is convinced that she is somehow helping the grand kids. My mother also said that she does not want it rented but as I mentioned earlier I don't think I could anyway.It really can't be transferred now anyway because of her being on Medicaid under the choices program. They have a "look back period" that also looks back to a certain time before they get on Medicaid. I looked that up a little while ago under elder law as myob mentioned the situation as has my wife before. I think that would also keep me from doing a trust.

The house is paid for as she has been there over 30 years and I have found nothing to indicate any other loans as I check her mail and handle the billing. I also have the RE papers and mortgage release papers. I also wanted to get all papers out of the house just in case. Thanks for the tip about the taxes.

I know I will get varying opinions but all information is important right now. I can sort threw and figure out what works. I can also make a list of questions from this to ask an elder law attorney. I probably should have posted about this earlier but I needed a clearer head and to take a breath. November and on was rough.

Mom is 72.

She is legally competent just not educated or common sense smart.

At this point I don't think she is coming home unless my half sister and her family come back and then take her home and take care of her, which is what my mother is wanting, even though I think it is a bad idea. My mother will probably be abused and then I will have to deal with that. Also my half sister and family will be living off of my mother and my mothers church as they always do. If my mother goes home with them then she will be back in charge of her finances and will support them.

My mother does need full time care. She is supposed to be checking with her insurance about home care but I don't think that they do 24/7.

If your mother is in her right mind, then the house and whatever money she has are hers to dispose of as she wishes. I personally think you are doing the right thing by handling her finances and keeping her afloat.

But beyond that, I hope you will consider how much additional role you want to/need to play in the lives of these other people who clearly don't care about your wellbeing. If you can remain kind while keeping a greater distance, such as not handling your mother's estate after she dies, that might give you more peace of mind.

Check with a lawyer but there may be some way that you are appointed caretaker of the whole thing and can make decisions. It may be by becoming trustee of the trust in your mother's name. That way they have to come to you to sign checks, as I found out with my Dad's trust after mom passed. Lawyer was trustee and his asst. was a b word so I could not get checks signed.

6x6;

Sorry for your crappy situation.

If your mother stays in the nursing home, at like $6,000 to $10,000 a month, her equity in her home will be depleted quickly as I expect TennCare will (rightly) put a lien on her home to reimburse the state for her care after she passes so half sister won’t be getting it, nor you.

If you have proof of your step sister hitting your mother, you should report it to the police and your state’s elder abuse authorities.

Under no circumstances should you put a penny into her house.

Bottom line, I’d explain to mom, with a witness handy, that if she decides to move back to her home with step sister, that you, given her history of domestic abuse, cannot be a part of her life anymore except to take her to Cracker Barrel on Sundays. Revoke your POA, kiss her on the cheek, and hug your wife and kids a little closer.

You and your mother need to talk to an estate lawyer asap. There are ways to protect assets even after entering a nursing home. It is harder to protect all of it, but they can protect some. She might be required to sell the house to fund her care. That said, if she is concerned about the grandkids, she needs to protect the assets for them. Giving it to your sister may not be the best way to do that. A trust could be set up for the grandkids, that would keep your sister from losing it.

Even when parents become difficult, they are still our parents and have had a lot of influence in who we are, whether we decide to be like them, or nothing like them. Plenty of siblings don't end up talking to each other.

All these decisions are to be guided by the laws of you state. Get an estate lawyer and do as much as possible NOW before it gets any more bullied up and becomes un fixable.

Oh - I understand better. You are probably screwed. Medicare and their "look back" is likely to evaporate any equity you have in the house to reimburse their expenses. Unless there is a huge equity there will be nothing left.

You'd better find out what the nursing home is charging medicare. This is the biggest legal "racket" in America to separate the dying from their last dime.

Should have transferred it into a trust over 5 years ago. I'd say if you can keep a relationship with your mother and if she's going to cut you out, then stay friendly but just tell everyone you are out, that you have other things to do.

Since this house is your mother's only asset she owns and maybe a car. This is what medicaid allows as long as she has an "intent" to move back to the home. Don't give up the "intent" to move back or Medicaid (from my understanding could force a sale now)

6x6, sorry to see that you are in such tough situation.. We met at the convention.. you are a kind soul.. stay strong and do what allows you to sleep at night after your mother's passing. Stay strong !

6 sorry to hear this.

Look when your mom got the choice program and she turns SSI

everything over to the nursing home she had to fill out paperwork to get the aid. Time is not your friend here because the transfer to wealth-- yes even her home will have time limits. For example - if she signs the home over to you and she passes within a 3 year period-- the home could revert back to the nursing home to cover her cost of care. The rules for taking aid-- and lets face it who can pay out of pocket for a nursing home costs in many FURURE ways.

Has your mother put that into writing in a will?

I have two suggestions. If you don't want to fight over the house, just let your sister know that the taxes and insurance are now her problem to pay if she wishes to have the house still there to inherit. Then the sister and the house are no longer your problem to deal with. Walk away from it.

The other possibility would be to talk your mother into leaving the house to you with the condition that you let the sister live there. Then at some point you could evict the sister if she isn't taking care of the house or paying the expenses. That would not be my first choice because that sticks you with the job of taking care of the sister.

Don't spend another penny on the house. If your mother isn't going to live in the house unless the heir is there to take care of her, and she can't sell for a profit due to TennCare, then why not go ahead and settle your mom's estate now? Give the possessions to the heirs now. Gift the house to the sister so she's liable for payments. If TennCare has a lien on the house then have the sister satisfy the lien.

If your sister loses the house, it's on her and your mother can see that it was a bad decision. Either way, you're blameless.

If your mother's inheritance is given away then I bet your relative problems will end once the money and house is distributed.

Thank you everyone for your kind words, time and wisdom.

My mother has lived off of tax payers and churches her whole life, I kid you not. That is one of the problems I have with my mother. Sometimes I wonder why I didn't just learn from the master like my 2 sisters but instead I chose to be more responsible. How smart am I?

There is a Federal law that requires all states to try and get reimbursed from those who get on Medicaid. Each state can choose how they do it. I agree with this law as JR[ME] does above. I think the tax payers should get there money back, as much as possible.

According to Elder Law the "Look Back Period" goes back 5 years except for CA, were it is 30 months and NY does not apply it. So there is no way that my mother can transfer the property without fair compensation(market value). If she transfers or sales the house then she will be taken off of Medicaid and become private pay until the money is used up. They also do not allow credit to pay taxes and insurance on the home as they do not consider that a necessity(per financial department at the nursing home).

I honestly, at this point, do not care that the home is a lost cause because as I said earlier(I also told my mother this)I think it is fair that the tax payers should get there money back. This would also keep my half sister, who has done nothing, from getting the home. My real concern from this point forward is that I get reimbursed for my expenses, which I am keeping as low as possible, incase I don't, and hopefully get compensated for my time as it says in the durable POA.

My mother has had an attorney write up a will for her about 2 or 3 years ago and gave a copy to HER sister who now says that she(mothers sister) doesn't know where it is. I have no idea what it says as I have never seen it but I know that my sister is getting everything in it. That really doesn't matter though because she has written another will in her own handwriting that is signed and dated. That is also no good now as my mother has told me that she has written another will in the Nursing Home. When Legal Aid came to the Nursing Home to do the DPOA, she told my mother and me that in the state of TN you do not have to have a lawyer draw up a will and that it just has to be in your own(mothers)handwriting and signed and dated. It does not even have to be witnessed but the person presenting the will does have to bring evidence of other writings from her. My mother changes her mind all of the time. I have not seen this will either because of COVID-19 keeps me from visiting the NH.

6x6,

Again, sorry for your situation.

The way to keep your expenses low is to not put another penny into the house. Though the POA may say you get reimbursed for your time, as you said your mother has no assets except the house, and only 50 bucks a month for her personal needs; so I’m afraid you will get squat.

The state will put a lien on her house if it hasn’t already. If you don’t want to keep it for yourself by purchasing it at fair market value, then just let it go, literally.

Visit your mother and take her to Cracker Barrel on Sundays. Talk about your Dad, the good old days (if there were any) and what that rascal in the Whitehouse is doing. Don’t speak of any financial affairs, and do not put another penny into the house. Revoke your power of attorney. Have an iced tea for me.

I'm sorry about the issues, and I commend you for your strength and clarity of mind to have navigated around such difficult and complicated circumstances. You independently saved yourself over the years, however, you can only do so much to help the future affairs of your family.

The advice here is sound, and hopefully, you can do your best to present the facts and document everything just in case. It sounds like you're surrounded by women who seem to pull you into their lives while you present realistic facts, advice, and projections for everyone's benefit. Family is family...

Ran into a similar situation when my Grandmother passed some time back. Since she was in a old age home, the state took the fair market value of the house. That basically left her broke.

With my half sister living out of state, I have been keeping an eye on my mothers house and getting her mail and doing the lawn care.

I have POA at her bank, and have had for years, that is separate from the DPOA that I now have. This is how I was paying her utilities and other few bills while she is in the nursing home. Luckily, she really didn't have very many bills until the medical bills now, which I turn over to the nursing home for them to turn into the state. All utilities were turned off when I saw she was not getting out anytime soon and she would have no money to pay them. I decided right off the batt that I was not going to pay her personal bills myself considering the situation. My expenses really amount to lawn care and travel and time at this point.

I think that I could have her mail start going to the nursing home if I want to stop it from going to her house. I don't want it coming to my house because I don't want to get attached to any creditors or collectors that there might be in the future trying to get me to pay for someone else's expenses. I can also set it up to were the nursing home does a draft out of her account and possibly handle all of her expenses.

If I decide to revoke the DPOA then should I also call the bank and have myself removed as POA over her bank account or should I keep one or both to keep some form of control?

If I do go that route, then in order to get away from any drama that there will be, I think that I should just avoid all of them.

I am quite sure that if my mother were to die then I will get contacted and asked to take charge anyway. I also have POA over her health care and I have authority with her advance care directive. If I revoke the DPOA then do I revoke all of this as well?

I feel like that if I keep all of this then I at least have some sort of control to a point and I am afraid that my half sister will refuse to handle things and then things will be in a complete mess and I will end up involved anyway. As it stands at the moment, there really aren't any bills other then the nursing home, property taxes and insurance. Thanks to the stimulus check, she will have enough money to cover another year of taxes and insurance.

I am thinking at this point that I need to call my half sister and just get first hand information directly from her about what there plans are for moving back down here or not. I really can't go by what my mother tells me because she is all over the board. I will also inform her of the situation with the house being winterized and having no utilities even though my mother says she has told her. I just need to be sure. I will also let her know that because she is to get any inheritance then all expenses pertaining to the house will be on her. I will probably still keep the lawn care done, for now anyway, until I get a better idea of where everyone's thoughts are. I just think that it would be better to clarify things and get everyone in the know and hopefully on the same page.

Another problem that I am currently having is that my mother seems different in responsiveness. She use to call kind of frequent, usually complaining, so it is more peaceful now, and I usually could get a hold of her calling her room # but now I can't. I have called and asked the nurses and managers about it and they all say that she is doing fine and that she can reach the phone. The nurse manager went yesterday in her room and checked and came back on the phone with me and said that she just placed the phone right in front of her but that it was in reach before. I got off the phone with the nurse manager and instantly tried to call my mother and no answer. I don't know what is going on and I can't visit due to COVID-19. What a mess. Oh well. What do you do?

I’m thinking your mom is recognizing the mess she has left you in, and maybe that is why she isn’t responding. Guilt sounds like a new emotion for her. She made her way through life by being the victim, and she won’t likely ever apologize to you for all she has put you through. So, she’s dealing with her guilt by cutting you out of communication.

My thoughts are that even though it will be hard, you might be best to just remove yourself as much as possible. Likely nursing home will get the proceeds from the house, and if half-sister doesn’t get a windfall, she’ll blame you!

Personal experience says the nursing home will not take charge of your mom's finances and bill paying. Here, they will also not have themselves appointed power of attorney.

I would not revoke anything. Who knows what you'll need/want to do in the future and then you'd be back to square one without documentation.

It sounds like there is no estate so really should be no issues. If your mom isn't coming back relatively soon there is a good chance she's not coming back at all.

Thank you for the kind words.

I am trying to be as little involved as possible but still maintain control so that I don't end up in a situation like Nicole mentioned.

I don't doubt at all that no matter which way I turn or no matter what I do or don't do that I will get some blame. That is one reason that I will talk to my sister if I can get a hold of her so that maybe we can get an idea of were each others thoughts are and not have a lot of guessing games or mystery. I can at least say that I tried to talk to her and I tried to give her a good idea of were things are.

I agree that people make there own choices and end up were they are.

I will now call my brother and tell him again how deeply appreciated how easy he was to work with when I was executor of Dad's estate. There was no hassle or squabble in the least. "Whatever you want, Sis." Was his frequent comment.

Your POA's expire when your mom does. Unless your mom can transfer the house to a disabled person, Medicaid will have a lien on the house. You need an attorney who practices estate and elder law. If she transfers the house now that person gets the stepped up basis not what she paid years ago. She needs to talk to an attorney who can make her see that legally she is not protecting anybody but only making things worse. They do make nursing home house calls. We got moms house away from Medicaid because I am disabled. It was days before she died. She won't listen to you, she needs an expert. Get her one or more.

Thanks again for the responses.

Of course I'd recommend talking to an Elder Law Attorney, but as Tezette suggested you could sell the house and mom is also allowed "final expenses" so if you sell before that happens you can go ahead and buy her prepaid funeral expenses and so that doesn't have to come from your pocket. and something for your time? Because if it's sold after her death, I think you'd have one heck of a time getting anything at all out of it, for the funeral for your expenses..good luck