I see there's many dementia forums, but I didn’t know which one to trust, and I trust you people here, as you have been a great help to me over the years.

At 2am this morning, the dementia care unit, where my 91 year old father lives, called to tell me my dad has gone into another person’s room and crawled into their bed. They said he wouldn’t leave this other person’s room, and they were going to call the police, if he didn’t. (once before the police came for my dad) I rushed over and was able to get my father back to his room. I slept on the floor, in front of my dad’s bedroom door, so my dad wouldn’t go out again.

My Dad walks fine, and knows who I am, but seems to have lost his short-term memory and sense of reality. In the past, he has gotten violent at night, waving his cane at the staff.

I’m afraid he will get kicked out of his care facility, and will end up in a worse place than he’s at now.

Can you guide me to a website or resources you may have used for a parent with dementia? Any thoughts how to keep my father in his room at night, and out of trouble? I thought they could give him a sleeping pill every night, or lock him in his room every night. What do you think? Thank you! - Bill

Is your Dad in a GOOD dementia care unit? I mean, do they know about dementia and what to do about problems like this?

I assume that your Dad wasn't aware that he went into the wrong room. Maybe he can be made aware of what he is doing (I don't know). How about a child barrier at the door?

That sounds ridiculous. I had a relative in a nursing home (with dementia). She started to go into other residents rooms. That was when the quality nursing home said it was time to move her into memory care.

I would move him asap. A facility who's plan for dealing with dementia is to call police is NOT safe.

What would the police do? Shoot him? Arrest him and take him from a hospital to jail? I'd be getting a lawyer to start. Must be all kinds of patient right laws broken here.

Maybe he needs to be in a more secure facility? But get him out of there.

I'm just spit balling here because we are about to face the same issue for my mother. It's getting to be too much for my dad to take care of her any longer.

I haven't done a lot of research but there is a marked difference between memory care/dementia facilities & just your typical care home is my understanding. I'm under the impression that memory care facilities address these issues with their security protocols, policies & procedures. We have several local small homes that only take 5 or 6 residents & actually have the staff to deal with them. I believe Country Walk is their name.....maybe they are a national group??

A facility that wants to call the police because he won't leave another resident's room?? Violent because he waved his cane at them?? That seems a stretch. And someplace I wouldn't want my parent to be if there are other choices or options.

We've had two very close friends who have had to deal with situations very similar to your. I know it is extremely stressful and painful. One of them had to find a new facility after after her mother was found wandering down a highway one night and the facility wasn't even aware she had gotten out.

Your father's wandering is not an uncommon symptom for people with advanced dementia. The facility he is in should know that and threatening to call the police is completely unacceptable. Unfortunately there are many facilities that accept people with advanced dementia/alzheimers that openly admit they cannot provide the level of care required but that doesn't seem to stop them from accepting patients putting profits before principles.

Both of the friends I mentioned above are in Philadelphia. Depending upon which part of NJ, if you are in close proximity I would be happy to find out the names of the facilities where their parent/grandparent were.

In the interim I suggest using the alzheimer assoc website. They have a very active online forum for families with similar challenges. Perhaps you can find someone on there near you who might have some viable recommendations.

Good luck to you and your family!.

Please please look for a facility with END OF LIFE care because if your parent is just installed in a Memory Care unit, once their dementia advances past the point of that facility's abilities, you will have to move them AGAIN and it's an extremely painful process.

The reason the memory care unit threatened to call the police, is that when told, my father refused to leave the bedroom that was not his. They called me first, and when I came and talked to my father, he said he saw no reason he wasn't allowed to stay in other bedrooms that weren't his. I don't know what else the memory care unit could have done, other than physically force my father out of the other person's room. I do think they are a good caring facility with a good reputation.

To clarify, my father is new to the memory care unit and is one of the highest cognitive functioning individuals there. My dad and I have lunch on Wednesday's, beer on Fridays and Dinner on Sundays outside the facility, so he's not completely "out of it" He can be a difficult person to deal with (stubborn and anger) even before the dementia.

I'm trying to figure out how to keep him out of trouble, especially at night, so he does not get kicked out of the place he's at.

I do wonder if my dad could get better care elsewhere. But what do you do with someone who has dementia and is adamant to stay in someone else’s room at 2am, or starts waving their cane around? You can’t talk the person out of it. At least my father you can’t.

Vee, I just read your post. That’s interesting. I’m wondering if there is a technology solution that might work? How about my dad can’t get out of his room between 10pm and 7am? That’s when the trouble is. He does wear a wrist bracelet for security.

Oregon Woodsmoke, thanks for the kind words. I really do appreciate it.

And Tony and CDM, great point on the UTI. I know any type of sickness my dad has affects his mental state. I made a note to check that on Monday.

Bill: what County are you in?

My mom passed in Sept. and I had been her caregiver for almost 3 years full time. She was diagnosed w/ dementia and it was exacerbated by a couple of personality disorders.

A social service agency may be able to help you or perhaps the Visiting Nurse Assoc.

My Mom called cops on me 4 times and also Social Svcs.

The woman from S-Svcs came loaded for bear, but fairly quickly changed her tune. Mom called them again and they and the cops compared notes, blessed me, thanked me and offered their assistance.

It was very hard in the last 6 months or so.

My sis took her for about 4 months and because she was not too aware of the needs mishandled the care so that Mom was almost septic by the time she went to the hospital and was diagnosed with a UTI....something I had warned about if certain precautions were not taken.

Dear Ms. Ally: please do not take that tone with Bill.

Not everyone CAN do what is necessary in these situations.

you are compassionate and tough ...and a woman.

So many people, when they heard that I was my Mom's primary caregiver and attending to ALL of her daily needs were astounded that me...a MAN would do this.

I made her a promise that she could stay in her home until she died. period....end of story as far as I was concerned.

Still.. in the last 2 months I was wearing out and the blood pressure was thru the roof.

I saw that Mom had issues back in 2011. I took her to a new Dr. where shes was diagnosed with dementia, but it took almost 2 years to do so.

My sis berated me for "setting her up" and Dr. shopping to get the diagnosis so I could take over her life. Oh, & sis is in VA.

My husband & I have both been through it with one of our parents. One had dementia due to Parkinson's and the other Alzheimer's. It is so difficult, my heart goes out to you and I pray for the right situation to open up to you. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but I had a relapse after being sober for over ten years, so IDK. It just temporarily gave me some numbness and a few good reasons to start over.

Other than the night time problems, we've been pretty happy with the facility. There's a lot of caring people there, perhaps their level of expertise could be higher. My dad even has a girlfriend there.

It's great to hear from you that other good options are out there. Yes, Frank he is a veteran and his facility is in Mercer county.

I really want to "nip it in the bud", this problem with my father going into other peoples rooms (and not leaving when asked to)

As a vet he may be eligible for the Aid & Attendance program. Google it. It may help with financials. There are groups that handle the process for a fee (1 month) of awarded benefits.

I got these Bennie's for Mom as a Vets widow. Looking back I should have used an agent.

AllyM of NJ and Frank of NJ, I tip my hat to both of you and others who kept or are keeping their parent at home and cared or caring for them. That's a major responsibility and it takes its toll as well on the caregiver. But in the end you know you gave them the highest and best quality of care.

That being said...

There are many who have parents or family members who can not take care of them for various reasons. It's hard to see a loved one decline and Dementia or Alzheimer take over the persons brain function. This person needs to be cared for in a facility, it could be a personal care, special unit or a nursing unit. And this brings the focus to BillyW of NJ.

BillyW of NJ, You are your Dads Advocate. That's great the facility accepts Medicaid. However, they are being paid a major amount of money to care for your Dad. The first phone call would have been the last time this facility would have been taken care of your Dad.

They are SUPPOSEDLY a Dementia Unit meaning they are trained to care for Dementia patients. NOT calling a Son every time the Father does something wrong. Do you look at your Fathers skin to make certain there are no bed sores on him? IF not, you need to check him out. AGAIN you are your Dads Advocate. NOW its the 2nd time this DEMENTIA Unit has called you. WHY are you paying them to take care for your Dad when they are calling you when things are not right? You need to have a meeting with the administrator and head nurse, asking them some extremely hard questions. Especially why they need to call the police when your Dad shows up in another room. I guarantee you he will do it AGAIN!!! They should be trained to deal with your Dad and anyone else who has a similar degree of Dementia like your Dad. Since they called the police to remedy this issue then its time to move your father to another Dementia Unit. This facility is NOT doing its job for their patients. ALSO BillW of NJ call the state agency that oversees the Dementia Units in NJ and ask them some questions. At first you don't need to give them the name of the facility HOWEVER do this for your own personal information. Once you talk to them you may need to report your concerns to them. This facility may not be doing its job and its advertising is wrong and misleading on what kind of patiences they actually care for.

Something to consider Marijuana. To those who feel marijuana is an evil word, stop for a minute and consider the other side of the benefits of Marijuana. Marijuana when smoked has mind altering factors. Our Vets with PSTD can benefit from it tremendously. The other benefit is the cannabis oil and also Hemp is very beneficial with its oil as well. There are major benefits with the use of Cannabis Oil for patients with Alzheimer, Dementia and Parkinson's. Cannabis oil will help reduce the shaking with Parkinson's. BEFORE anyone makes a counter to the illegal marijuana factor. Do the research on the major benefits of cannabis oil for Alzheimer, Dementia and Parkensons.

Frank mentioned UTI issues. Another to consider is a Low Sodium level can have an adverse effect on a person. To check the sodium level blood work will help to determine the sodium level.

Another factor to consider has the person eaten in 4 or 5 hours. Their blood sugar drops and can be an issue. The only thing they need to do is eat every 4 hours and this will help tremendously.

My Mom changed from a kind, forgetful woman in the daytime to a nasty, totally confused woman in the evenings - something called 'sundowners' syndrome. We made the mistake of not getting her into a memory care unit before she started being nasty and then no one would take her (she did not qualify for assistance). Luckily, we had a great doctor who prescribed plenty of Ativan and it worked for us - made her docile and sleepy just as soon as she got agitated. I'm not usually one to drug people, but when you get to that point, you use what tools you have. Eventually we added hospice care and ours was great - they provided plenty of drugs to keep her calm and comfortable. My heart goes out to you - this is such a difficult, heartbreaking disease. My advice is to talk to her doctor about pharmaceuticals that will keep your dad calm and meet with the doctor as often as you can to stay on top of things.

Hi Ms. Ally: I am sure that each VNA is and can be different. With that said I do know that they have updated their hospice department as the need for it has greatly increased.

Bill: Tom from FL hit on some important details that I neglected.

He is 100% right that the call to THE POLICE & TO YOU was inappropriate to put it mildly.

I believe that you would be best served by looking into a different facility. What you described is them not doing their job and acting like it was something different that they had to deal with.

To clarify, my dad knows which room is his and went into someone’s room in the middle of the night, got in their bed and would not leave when asked to by the staff.

After some thought, and reading Kathy's post, I'm thinking the best way to prevent the problem of trouble at night, is for my dad to take something to sleep at night. Getting a full night of sleep may have an added benefit of him feeling better, in addition to staying out of trouble.

Also check for UTI.

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate all your help! - Bill

Advocate For Seniors

Voycestl . org

Funny you mention director, I went to meet dad for dinner tonight and spoke with the director who happened to be in her office. I was happy to explain my side of the story, and she said she'll discuss my dad's care in tomorrow's meeting.

Plenty, what you said about the night shift not being trained I think is key. I hadn't thought about that. When I go there at night, the aids I see are people I don't recognize watching tv.

As far as having Dad live in my house, I think he enjoys the relationships at his facility. As I mentioned, he has a girlfriend in the dementia area, who he talks of marrying. Also, I'm afraid I don't have what it takes to do it. I get so frustrated with my father sometimes. And Medicaid is paying for all his care at what seems like a nice facility.

Thanks all! -Bill

EXCELLENT!!! BillW you talked to the admin. AGAIN you are an advocate for your Dad.

It's great that your Dad has a friend at the facility.

Bill IF you decide to take your Dad to your home that's a major change for you and your family. Taking care of your Dad will have a major change to your life. And you may be right you can not take care of your Dad and that's your personal decision to make. And there is no right or wrong solution to your decision!!!

But also know that you are making the best decision for your Dad whether he's with you. OR at a facility and at the facility he will get the best care possible. And you will be the best advocate for your Dad!!!

Bill it's understandable to be frustrated with your Dad. It's a natural feeling. Also remember your Dads mind is changing and its out of your Dads control. AND enjoy the moments with him like you had dinner with him. AND remember if you walk into your Dad's room and he tells you the sky is orange today. That's ok go with the follow. Yes the evenings may be the worst time for your Dad, due to the sundowners factor. Again go with the follow.

The work force at these facilities are not paid well especially if they are aides. But that is no excuse to treat your father and you wrong, by calling the police. When you go to the facility remember you see something not right. It's time to talk with the admin and head nurse. If possible go at different times to see your Dad. The staff will not know when you will show up to see your Dad.

Best of success to you and your Dad!!!

Thanks for your advice Tom. As you said it's good to remember my "Dads mind is changing and its out of your Dads control" sometimes I feel like he's tormenting me intentionally and I need to step back and realize the reality. And most of the time I do enjoy our time together and think I'm happy he lived long enough that we got to be friends.

YES, Tom(FL) yes! I was reading to the bottom to see if anyone knew the answer, and Tom got it!

BillW, it may be as simple as salt tablets! My mother died last March at 91. She was in a good assisted living unit in central NJ in Lakewood. When we finally figured out it was her low sodium that was making her angry, argumentative, disruptive--it was an easy fix. We are all so brainwashed into watching our salt intake with the thought to decrease it, that it is hard to believe that LOW levels can change brain and behavior. We spoke to her doctor who eventually was persuaded to prescribe 1/day but that wasn't enough to really cure the problem. My sister who lived a few miles from the care unit, bought a bottle of salt tablets at the local pharm in the Shop-Rite. (They non-prescription, over the counter, can be bought anywhere.) If mom was having a 'bad day' she gave her a salt tab. She changed within an hour--it was AMAZING to see. The facility can only give out what the MD orders, but there is no law against giving someone a salt tablet. It changed mom's life from stress and agitation to the calm sweet person she used to be. Not sure if I remember the levels correctly but I think she needed a level of 137 to be normal, and if dropped to 130 the bad times started. Dif people need dif levels. Check on that.

YES, Tom(FL) yes! I was reading to the bottom to see if anyone knew the answer, and Tom got it!

BillW, it may be as simple as salt tablets! My mother died last March at 91. She was in a good assisted living unit in central NJ in Lakewood. When we finally figured out it was her low sodium that was making her angry, argumentative, disruptive--it was an easy fix. We are all so brainwashed into watching our salt intake with the thought to decrease it, that it is hard to believe that LOW levels can change brain and behavior. We spoke to her doctor who eventually was persuaded to prescribe 1/day but that wasn't enough to really cure the problem. My sister who lived a few miles from the care unit, bought a bottle of salt tablets at the local pharm in the Shop-Rite. (They non-prescription, over the counter, can be bought anywhere.) If mom was having a 'bad day' she gave her a salt tab. She changed within an hour--it was AMAZING to see. The facility can only give out what the MD orders, but there is no law against giving someone a salt tablet. It changed mom's life from stress and agitation to the calm sweet person she used to be. Not sure if I remember the levels correctly but I think she needed a level of 137 to be normal, and if dropped to 130 the bad times started. Dif people need dif levels. Check on that.